MISSOULA, Tennessee - The National Association of Syndicated Groups announced today that you can indeed, acquire or achieve that thing you have always wanted to.
"This is a momentous occasion," said Peter T. Graff, Chief Director of the NASG. "People all over the world have always wanted to be able to do -- or get -- many various things, but have often hesitated because it was never clear if the thing could be gotten, or done.
"Well, today, my friends," Graff concluded triumphantly, "You certainly can."
The announcement follows several months of thoroughly unscientific study by NASG-affiliated groups. A significant majority of these groups were some combination of unemployed College Frat Boys and homeless drunkards, who largely sat in rooms, generating and following random thought-trains until the conversation could be narrowed down to a decision motivated by desire.
"We would end up with, like, someone saying they wanted something, or they wanted to do things," said Frederick O'Flannery, Freshman at New Caledonia Community College and NASG Study Group participant. "In, maybe, like 70-something percent of the cases, we found out that we could do or get the thing we wanted. Then someone was like, 'whoa.'"
Whoa, indeed. When the freshman later expressed his desire for this reporter's shoes -- and was gently rebuffed -- he walked way, muttering something about correlation and causation