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Posts from September 2012


Bone Trucking is on its way to becoming the most desired career in the United States.
A recently-released study shows that five or six people are now aware of "bone-trucking" as a phrase, albeit a nonsensical one. This is significant because it shows a 500 - 600% increase over that statistic from last year. At this rate, Bone Trucking might come to represent an actual formulation in the English language within ten years, and, perhaps three decades from then, it might come to be associated with revenue flows in the United States. 

'This is revolutionary because the American people need jobs," Presidential Candidate Wilt Ramsey said, Tuesday. "And the American people have bones. What's more, we make the most trucks in the world. Put that all together, and what do you get? Not just bone trucking: you get American Bone Trucking. We can export that to China, India, and Mexico, and expand our quarterly losses by at least--" 
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Did you ever want to? NASG says, 'Now you can.'

MISSOULA, Tennessee - The National Association of Syndicated Groups announced today that you can indeed, acquire or achieve that thing you have always wanted to. 

"This is a momentous occasion," said Peter T. Graff, Chief Director of the NASG. "People all over the world have always wanted to be able to do -- or get -- many various things, but have often hesitated because it was never clear if the thing could be gotten, or done.
"Well, today, my friends," Graff concluded triumphantly, "You certainly can." 

The announcement follows several months of thoroughly unscientific study by NASG-affiliated groups. A significant majority of these groups were some combination of unemployed College Frat Boys and homeless drunkards, who largely sat in rooms, generating and following random thought-trains until the conversation could be narrowed down to a decision motivated by desire. 

"We would end up with, like, someone saying they wanted something, or they wanted to do things," said Frederick O'Flannery, Freshman at New Caledonia Community College and NASG Study Group participant. "In, maybe, like 70-something percent of the cases, we found out that we could do or get the thing we wanted. Then someone was like, 'whoa.'"
Whoa, indeed. When the freshman later expressed his desire for this reporter's shoes -- and was gently rebuffed -- he walked way, muttering something about correlation and causation
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Locations : MissoulaTennessee
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Overwhelmed Raft to step down Thursday

A bewildered and overwhelmed T. Raft has announced his intention to step down from his position as  CEO of Shake and Collateral Co., this Thursday. Mr Raft, who has been indicted on multiple counts of jury abuse, does not seem to understand why he is suddenly reviled in public places. 

"I went to purchase coffee," Raft says, "And the barista made no attempt to hide the fact that he was spitting into my coffee."

This isn't Raft's first run-in with the law. In 1976, at age five, T. Raft became the youngest person to ever be arrested. Two officers lost their lives, and it became necessary to restrain the beligerent Raft using most unorthodox methods. Fifteen years later, Raft returned to his hometown after a lengthy world tour, during which he had aimed to be incarcerated in as many countries as possible before his eighteenth birthday. 

"I mostly succeeded, too," smirked the colossally irritating individual. "But, as it turns out, the Lomar Republic has the most lax laws on the planet."

His latest indictment (fourteen separate counts of assaulting jury members in a courtroom) is viewed with pride. Raft has expressed no plans to do anything about it. 

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